8. Behavior is Communication

Imagine you are about to walk in the door, after a very long day at work. Perhaps you forgot your lunch, haven’t eaten anything since that morning, your shoes are hurting your feet, and you’re incredibly thirsty! It’s been a long day and all you want to do is sit down on the couch with your favorite snack. But then, you walk into your house and see an unpaid bill on the table. You suddenly remember it’s your sibling’s birthday and you forgot to text them. You notice that the sink is full of dishes, and as you set your bags down you realize the floor is wet…your pet has peed everywhere.

Just then, your cheerful partner walks in—they had the day off—and asks, “I’m so hungry! What’s for dinner?”

So…what do you do? If you’re like many people, you might lose your temper a bit—or a lot! You might find yourself yelling, “What! Are you kidding me?! Why am I in charge of dinner?!” Your partner might recoil and say, “Yikes! What is your problem?” No one is happy here. Have you had this experience?

This video is all about how all behavior is a form of communication and a way to communicate our unmet needs. We should reframe our thinking about certain behaviors being “good” or “bad,” and instead try to figure out what the child is trying to tell us. We’ll discuss two examples, and share some ideas for how you can better understand what children are trying to communicate through their behavior in your program.

So let’s go back to our example. It’s helpful to think of behavior as an iceberg. There is the top, above the surface, that represents what we can see. Here, your partner saw your angry behavior—yelling, or maybe even storming off. They didn’t see what was under the surface, or all of your unmet needs—feeling hungry and thirsty, having sore feet, realizing you forgot a birthday, the unpaid bill, the unwashed dishes, and so on…all they saw was your outburst. But of course, there is so much more going on.

Behavior always communicates something, and always demonstrates an unmet need. Of course, there are so many things that children might experience before coming to our programs that can influence their behavior, just like in the first example. Maybe they didn’t sleep well the night before, didn’t have breakfast, or had a negative interaction with a peer, sibling, or caregiver before coming into our setting.

For children with disabilities or children who speak different languages at home, we must be even more intentional and curious about what unmet needs a child is communicating through their behavior.

Let’s explore what this looks like for Isabella, a young child with Down syndrome, who uses a tablet to communicate. One morning, her grandmother drops her off and immediately has to leave. Isabella is very upset. She doesn’t want to join her friends on the playground or do any of her favorite things outside. Instead, she cries near the entrance and throws her backpack and water bottle on the ground.

Isabella’s teacher, Melissa, remembers the iceberg analogy and wonders what Isabella might be trying to communicate. What is under the surface for her? What are her unmet needs? She thinks about how Isabella shares her thoughts using her tablet, and grabs some emotion visual cards to support the conversation. Melissa understands that Isabella isn’t acting this way to irritate her teachers and friends, but rather, she feels upset and isn’t able to tell her teachers or friends how she is feeling and what she needs.

Melissa approaches Isabella, acknowledging that she isn’t feeling good by saying, “Oh no, I see that you are upset! I am so sorry,” as she shows Isabella the picture of a child who is upset from the emotion visual cards. “It looks like you might be feeling frustrated? Or sad that Abuela had to leave? Or angry?”

The visuals catch Isabella’s attention, she stops crying, and moves towards Melissa. Melissa asks, “Do you want a hug, some water, or to take a break?” Isabella moves in for a hug, and Melissa gets her tablet out of her backpack. She asks, “Can you tell me how you are feeling so I can help?” Isabella uses her tablet and pushes the button that says “sad” and then “angry.” “Yes, I see that! I wondered if you were sad and mad that Abuela had to leave quickly today?” Isabella nods, and pushes a button to say “breakfast! eat!” Melissa gathers that it might have been a hectic morning and perhaps there wasn’t time for breakfast. And combined with a quick drop off without the usual loving goodbye ritual with Abuela, she understands how Isabella could be upset.

“Thanks for telling me what you need, Isabella. Let’s go get a snack together.”

Thinking back to our iceberg example, we can see that Isabella’s behavior—the yelling, crying, and throwing her things—was the only way she had, in that moment, to communicate her feelings. But, when a teacher is curious about what might be under the tip of the iceberg, as Melissa was in this example, we can help children communicate their wants and needs in a way that everyone can understand.

Sometimes, we also have to pay attention to the child’s body language or non-verbal cues when trying to figure out what they are trying to tell us. Let’s talk about another example.

Khalid’s classroom is starting lessons on social emotional learning, and has introduced two large puppets as part of their curriculum. Every time the puppets come out at circle time, Khalid backs up, squints his eyes, and tenses up. One day after the puppets come out, he jumps up from circle and runs to the book area where he sits on a pillow with his eyes closed, turning his body towards the wall.

In the hustle and bustle of the classroom, his teachers don’t immediately understand that the puppets were making Khalid uncomfortable. Instead, they try to get him to come back to the circle area, but he refuses. After a few days, they realize that Khalid was only leaving the circle when the puppets were present. He did not know how to say that he was afraid of the puppets, so he just left the activity instead. If they only paid attention to the tip of this iceberg, or Khalid’s visible behavior of running away from the circle area, they would have missed the reason for his behavior—and what is under the tip of the iceberg. Khalid, like many people, doesn’t like puppets—they make him uncomfortable or nervous.

The next day, teachers make a visual to help Khalid ask for a break at circle time, and encourage him to use it before the puppet comes out. They give him lots of warnings, saying things like “Today, the puppets will be at circle. If you want to take a break when the puppets are out, that is okay! You can show us this break card.”

Right before the puppets come out, a teacher reminds Khalid and he holds up the break card right away. The teacher says, “Great job, Khalid! You can go take a break—thanks for letting me know.”

In these examples, teachers took the time to be curious about what children were trying to communicate with their behavior and created ways for them to share what they needed. Sometimes, this means an adult individually supports a child through a tough interaction, like we saw with Isabella. Other times, an adult can create a new way for a child to share their wants and needs, like we saw with Khalid.

Of course, it is always important to talk with the child’s family about what else might be going on related to certain behavior, and ask for their input. The most important part of supporting behavior is attempting to understand what the child is trying to tell us—and to remember that what we see is just the tip of the iceberg.