8. Behavior is Communication

Imagine you’re about to walk in the door after a very long day at work. Perhaps you forgot your lunch and you haven’t eaten anything since that morning, your shoes are hurting your feet, and you’re incredibly thirsty. It’s been a really long day, and all you want to do is sit down on the couch with your favorite snack.

But then you walk into your house and you see an unpaid bill on the table. You suddenly remember it’s your sibling’s birthday and you forgot to text them. You notice that the sink is full of dishes and, as you put your bags down, you realize the floor is wet—your pet has peed everywhere. Just then, your cheerful partner walks in. They had the day off and ask, “I’m so hungry, what’s for dinner?”

So what do you do? If you’re like many people, you might lose your temper a little bit—or a lot. You might find yourself yelling, “What? Are you kidding me? Why am I in charge of dinner?” Your partner might recoil and say, “Yikes, what is your problem?” No one is happy here. Have you had this experience?

This video is all about how all behavior is a form of communication and a way to communicate our unmet needs. We should reframe our thinking about certain behaviors being “good” or “bad” and instead try to figure out what the learner is trying to tell us. We’ll discuss two examples and share some ideas for how you can better understand what the learners are trying to communicate through their behavior in your program.

Let’s go back to our first example. It’s helpful to think of behavior as an iceberg. There’s the top, above the surface, that represents what we can see. In this case, your partner saw your angry behavior—yelling or maybe even storming off. They didn’t see what was under the surface, or all of your unmet needs: feeling hungry and thirsty, having sore feet from working all day, realizing you forgot a birthday, the unpaid bill, unwashed dishes, and so on. All they saw was your outburst. But of course, there’s so much more going on. Behavior always communicates something and always demonstrates an unmet need.

Of course, there are so many things that teens and pre-teens might experience before coming to our programs that can influence their behavior. Maybe they didn’t sleep well the night before, they didn’t have breakfast, or had a negative interaction with a peer, sibling, or caregiver before coming into our setting. For learners with disabilities or learners who speak different languages at home, we must be even more intentional and curious about what unmet needs are being communicated through their behavior.

Let’s explore what this looks like for Isabella, a middle schooler with Down Syndrome who uses a tablet to communicate. One morning, her grandmother drops her off and immediately has to leave. Isabella is very upset. She doesn’t want to join her friends in the outside entrance area or go to the multi-purpose room for breakfast. Instead, she yells and stomps and throws her backpack and water bottle on the ground.

Isabella’s principal, Ms. Pritchett, remembers the iceberg analogy and wonders what Isabella might be trying to communicate. What is under the surface for her? What are her unmet needs? She thinks about how Isabella shares her thoughts using her tablet and grabs some emotion visual cards to support the conversation. Ms. Pritchett understands that Isabella isn’t acting this way to irritate those around her, but rather she feels upset and isn’t able to tell the adults or her friends how she’s feeling and what she needs.

Ms. Pritchett approaches Isabella, acknowledging that she isn’t feeling good by saying, “Oh no, I see you’re upset, I’m so sorry,” as she shows Isabella the picture of a teenager who is upset from the emotion visual cards. “It looks like you might be feeling frustrated or sad that abuelua had to leave, or angry.” The visuals catch Isabella’s attention. She stops yelling and stomping and moves towards Ms. Pritchett.

The principal asks, “Do you want some water or to take a break in my office?” Isabella moves to pick up her water bottle and Ms. Pritchett gets her tablet out of her backpack. She asks, “Can you tell me how you’re feeling so I can help?” Isabella uses her tablet and pushes the button that says “sad,” then “angry.” “Well, yes, I see that. I wondered if you were sad and mad that abuela had to leave quickly today.” Isabella nods and pushes a button that says “breakfast eat.” Ms. Pritchett gathers that it might have been a hectic morning and perhaps there wasn’t enough time for breakfast, and combined with a quick drop-off without the usual loving goodbye ritual with abuela, she understands how Isabella could be upset. “Thanks for telling me what you need, Isabella. Let’s walk down to breakfast together.”

Thinking back to our iceberg example, we can see that Isabella’s behavior—the yelling, stomping, throwing things—was the only way she had in that moment to communicate her feelings. But her teacher was curious about what might be under the tip of the iceberg and helped her communicate her wants and needs in a way that everyone can understand.

Sometimes we also have to pay attention to the child’s body language or non-verbal cues when trying to figure out what they’re trying to tell us.

Let’s talk about another example. Khalid’s robotics club is introducing a new robot that makes a loud noise when it moves. Every time the teacher, Mr. Roman, uses the new robot model, Khalid backs up, covers his ears, and seems to tense up. One day, after Mr. Roman uses the new model, Khalid jumps from his chair and runs to the far corner, where he sits on the floor, covers his ears, and turns his body towards the wall.

In the hustle and bustle of introducing the new robot, his teacher doesn’t immediately understand that the noise it made was making Khalid uncomfortable. Instead, he tries to get him to come back to the group, but Khalid refuses. After a few sessions, Mr. Roman realizes that Khalid was only leaving the circle when the new robot was there. He didn’t know how to say that he didn’t like the noise, so he left the activity instead.

If Mr. Roman only paid attention to the tip of this iceberg, or Khalid’s visible behavior of running away, he would have missed the reason for this behavior and what is under the tip of the iceberg. Khalid, like many people, doesn’t like certain noises—they make him uncomfortable or nervous.

The next day, Mr. Roman makes a visual to help Khalid ask for a break when he uses the new robot and encourages him to use it before it comes out. He gives him lots of warnings, saying things like, “Today, I’ll be demonstrating an example using the new robot that’s a bit loud. If you want to take a break during this time, that’s okay. You can show me this break card.” Right before he turns on the new robot, Mr. Roman finds Khalid and he holds up the break card. Right away, Mr. Roman smiles and says, “Great job, Khalid! You can go take a break. Thanks for letting me know.”

In these examples, teachers took the time to be curious about what their learners were trying to communicate with their behavior and created ways for them to share what they needed. Sometimes this means an adult individually supports a child through a tough interaction, like we saw with Isabella. Other times, an adult can create a new way for a learner to share their wants and needs, like we saw with Khalid.

Of course, it’s always important to talk with a learner’s family about what else might be going on related to certain behavior and ask for their input. The most important part of supporting behavior is attempting to understand what the learner is trying to tell us, and to remember that what we see is just the tip of the iceberg.